Relationship Advice from "The Break-Up"

Last weekend USA ran a marathon of "The Break-Up" starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. I recorded it because I remember loving that movie in the theatre. Yet I never realized how much can be learned from the characters of Brooke and Gary. Here are some memorable quotes from the movie, along with what I think can be learned from them:

Gary: “Fine, I’ll help you do the dishes...”
Brooke: “You know what? No, that’s not what I want.”
Gary: “What do you mean? You just said you want me to help you do the dishes.”
Brooke: “No, I want you to WANT to do the dishes… It would be nice if you did the things I asked…it’d be even nicer if you did things without me having to ask you!”

Okay boys...here is a very quick and easy lesson for you. Women think men helping with housework is sexy. Seriously. We like to feel that our men want to help take some things off our plates. Simply seeing a man vacuuming or doing some dishes is all a woman needs to be head over heels. A little strange, I know, but true. And sometimes she might deny your help. My new guy has offered to help do dishes after meals, and sometimes I let him help me and other times I say, "No, I have it...but thanks for offering." And you know what? That offer is all I need to feel like he values, appreciates, and loves me. Simple as that. Don't believe me? Check this out to learn more about "choreplay":
http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2008/10/modern-foreplay-washing-the-dishes-together/

Brooke: “It’s not about you loving the g*d d**n ballet, Gary! It’s about how the person you love loves the ballet and you want to spend time with that person.”
Gary: “But not at the ballet….”
Brooke: “It’s not about the ballet, forget the ballet! We don’t go anywhere together!”
Gary: “We just went to Ann Arbor together.”
Brooke: “To Ann Arbor! To the Michigan/Notre Dame game. You think…heh…you think screaming drunk kids and leprechauns doing back flips…that’s fun…that’s fun for me. I did that for you. How do you show up for me?”

Relationships are tough. The whole point of a relationship is trying to join two very separate and different lives together. In my experience, opposites attract. Therefore, what I enjoy and what makes me feel calm and relaxed is very different from what my partner likes to do. I think the bases of a relationship need to be communication and compromise. Communication because, as I said in my "Nagging vs. Needing" entry, you need to be able to say what you want. Trust me, I spent way too much of my dating life being too afraid to come right out and say what I wanted and needed. I have learned (the hard way) that you have to have that communication, even if you know it's not what your partner wants to hear. How can someone give you what you need if they don't have a clue what that is? Once the communication piece is in place, couples MUST learn the art of compromise. I am not talking about compromising who you are to appease your partner. I am not asking anyone to change who they are and what they like. However, everyone needs to be willing to go outside their comfort zone for the person they love. I go to bars with my guy because that's what he likes to do for fun. Is it what I would choose to do? Absolutely not. But I go because I love him, and that's just what you do. Same goes for Bengals games. Anyone that knows me knows I am not a football fan, and the idea of sitting outside in the freezing cold is definitely not my idea of a relaxing weekend. However, if my guy were to ask me to go with him, I would go. I would layer on the clothing, buy some heavy-duty gloves and a hat, plant a smile on my face, and be a good sport. However, compromise needs to be a two-way street. If it's one person giving in to the wants and needs of the other all the time, that is not compromise - that is not having a backbone. I asked my guy to go to IKEA with me today. I knew he didn't want to. I knew that was not his idea of fun. But do you know why I asked him? Because if I'm going to do things to make him happy, I deserve for him to go out of his way once in awhile and do the same for me. I was a little nervous about asking him to do it. What if he didn't want to go? What if he blew me off? Thankfully, he went willingly. I felt special. It meant the world to me that he would go on a shopping escapade and be a good sport about it. That stupid IKEA trip meant more to me than a dozen roses. He did something he didn't really want to do because he knew I would appreciate it. And I did. And I think he even enjoyed himself a little bit...joking about the crazy old lady who decided to tell me the entire story about why her husband was walking so slow, and spinning the cart in circles every time we got to a spot big enough to do so (next time you're at IKEA, try it! Those carts can SPIN!).

What I'm trying to say is that no relationship is perfect. Most likely, you're not going to agree all the time. You may be asked to do things you don't want to do, but you should do them out of love. If two people can agree to communicate and compromise with one another, I feel they can make it through pretty much anything. Yet if one person is not able to do those two things, I would worry about the relationship succeeding. Relationships need to be 50/50, and it takes both parties working hard and making sacrifices for things to work out.

And sadly, Brooke and Gary did not work out in "The Break-Up." I feel it was because they did not communicate properly, they both were not willing to compromise, and they did not appreciate one another.

Brooke: "I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything, I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know... is for you to show me that you care."
Gary: "Why didn't you just say that to me?"
Brooke: "I tried. I've tried."
Gary: "Never like that...you might have said some things that were meant to imply that, but I'm not a mind reader..."
Brooke: "It wouldn't matter... you are who you are. Just leave me alone, ok? Right now, just shut my door."
Gary: "Listen..."
Brooke: "Alright Gary, just please, just leave the room. Gary just... I don't want to be near you right now, please just shut the door, please."

We can all learn a lot from "The Break-Up." Watch it if you get the chance!

I am grateful for...
1.) My trip to IKEA.
2.) Sleeping in on the weekends.
3.) Communication and compromise.