Nagging vs. Needing

I learned a very good lesson yesterday from "Maria" (name has been changed for privacy!). She and her husband have been going through a difficult patch of their marriage, and have sought out the advice of a marriage counselor. For the record, I think counseling is great. I don't view it as something for only the depressed or "sick" people...counseling is for everyone, and everyone should take advantage if they have the opportunity! Anyway...she shared that her counselor taught her something really smart about how we talk to the people we love. When we nag a significant other, we are not necessarily that upset about the actual "infraction." We don't really care about if our man forgot to load the dishwasher, plays too many video games, spends too much time at the bar, or leaves dirty laundry all over the house. We are upset because we NEED something. Nagging and needing go hand in hand. I thought about this, and totally agree. I have caught myself saying, "I hate it when you play video games all night!" or "Why do you always have to go to bars? Can't you just grow up?" In actuality, I could really care less about the stupid video games or the "boys nights out." I have a need - I need to feel that my significant other loves me and wants to spend quality time with me. But of course instead of saying, "I love spending time together, and I need for us to do it a little more often," I often nag. I say, "I hate how you are always playing video games." The focus is on my significant other doing something "wrong," and it is negative. I need to start phrasing things in a positive way and being honest about my needs and when I feel they are not being met. The focus needs to be on ME. Such an "Aha!" moment for me. Same with housework. "I hate when you leave your dirty clothes all over the place" should turn in to "I need to feel like we both work to keep the house clean. I need you to help me by putting your clothes in the hamper." I've been trained to talk to children like this with Responsive Classroom (http://www.responsiveclassroom.org/), but never thought about applying it to my personal relationships. I am going to make more of an effort to watch my language with the people I love. I can get my point across just as easily in a positive way as I could in a negative way. I just need to pay attention to how I phrase things!