Thoughts about Relationships

Tonight I've been thinking a lot about relationships...past, present, and future. Here are a few of those thoughts, as random and as scattered as they may be...

Past

I have come to the realization that I was practically married to guy #3. I basically lived at his house, cleaned, took care of our "baby" (Sadie), decorated the house, and tried desperately to make the relationship work. I got into such a routine with him...I called him every day as I was leaving work and asked what he wanted to do for dinner. I tried to coordinate weekend plans so that we could have a "date night" one night and he could have a night out with his friends the other. I let my world revolve around him because I figured he would possibly one day be my husband. But then I woke up one day and realized that I wasn't married to him, and that I was giving him his cake and letting him eat it, too. I had lost myself. I was an unhappy married woman, when in fact I wasn't even really married at all...

Present

I have found these "routines" of guy #3 creeping into my relationship with guy #4. I am so accustomed to "married dating life" that I feel like I've forgotten what "newly dating life" is like. I still like to know what he wants to do for dinner, but have found that sometimes those plans don't involve me. I get frustrated when I feel like we don't have "date nights" and instead spend our entire weekend in groups at bars. I somewhat mentioned this in the last blog, when I felt like I was PMSing but really wasn't. I had a bit of a breakdown that night because it has all gotten too much to bear sometimes. It's like I want to skip over all this beginner dater's crap and get to the "good stuff" in my opinion. So I told him how I desperately needed a night this weekend to be just "us." So we did, and it was FABULOUS. We went out to dinner at Palomino's downtown, overlooking Fountain Square and all of the holiday festivities. We checked out the ice skating rink, but decided it was much too cold to brave the ice! (Plus, I would've fallen on my butt more than likely! Haha.) We rented movies and watched one that night, as he nudged me every so often to make sure I was awake (which I was about 50% of the time!). All of my teacher friends out there can vouch for me on how hard it is to stay awake during a movie on a Friday night after a week of 6 and 7 year olds! I felt much better about things after our date night. My needs were met, and I could stop the nagging! I hope we can do it again sometime soon.

Future

#4 called me tonight, and we had a good conversation (as always!). Time lines came up in the conversation, and he asked me why I feel like I have to be married by 30. I explained that if I get married at 30, and my husband wants to wait a few years before kids, that puts me at 32 or 33 with my first kid. And then my 2nd would be when I'm like 35 or 36, which would be hard to get pregnant and more risky for the baby. Yes, I think about these things! Then he asked me what would happen if I did get married someday and couldn't get pregnant. Couldn't I be happy with just my husband? Hmmm... I didn't want to sound like some maternal nutcase, but the answer was practically "as a last resort, yes I could." I explained that if that were the case, I would try infertility treatments and then adoption if those didn't work. And if in the end I was still without a child after years and years of trying, I would assume God had other plans for me than parenthood and I would try to live a happy life. But do you know how hard that would be for me?! Anyone that knows me knows how much I love children. That's the whole reason I am a teacher! The idea of never having any of my own scares the crap out of me. I feel like I was put on this Earth to be a teacher and a mother (and of course a wife, too!). Family is everything to me. I can't picture a family without children, I just can't. So I may sound selfish, and I may be somewhat living on a timeline, but I just can't compromise on that. And I am typically ALWAYS willing to compromise! Luckily, #4 is great with kids. I know he wants them, whether he thinks that's in three or ten years from now. But that conversation kind of scared me - should I be okay with the possibility of not having kids, or do I have the right to not accept that fate unless absolutely necessary? And am I crazy for thinking about this at 25?! Oh my...

Relationship with me

#4 went to the Bengals game with friends today, and then out to celebrate their win (WOW!) at some bars afterwards. I was invited, but couldn't go due to my stupid Master's paper (yuck). Once the paper was done in the early evening, I found myself sitting around waiting on #4. Would he want me to make dinner? Should I drive downtown and meet him at the bars? I decided I was reverting back to "Married Kristi," as I was when I was with #3. My life should NOT revolve around someone else until I am married. And even when I am married, I shouldn't "revolve" aroud someone else...but work with their schedule and needs, I suppose. This is hard for me, because I am a natural born giver. I want to make everyone happy, and I want to make people feel valued and loved. I am also the type that likes to be around people. I lived with my family all my life, then roommates that became family in college, then #3, and now it's just Sadie and me. Most of the time I am okay with living alone. Many times I actually like it. But there are some times when I miss the company of others. I want someone to eat dinner with. I want to watch TV with a companion. Tonight was one of those nights. So what did I do? I showered, made myself presentable, and went SHOPPING!!! I needed some new "going out" clothes (since I go out so much more often now!), and I had a coupon for 15% off at Kohl's. Then I went to Target because I had a gift card. By the time I got home, I wasn't lonely anymore...even though I was alone the entire time I shopped! I am learning that this whole living alone thing is a process, and one day I won't feel the need to ask #4 over for dinner so often. And that will probably be the day when I will have someone to eat dinner with every night. I am beginning to understand that before I can have someone around all the time, I need to be content being alone with just me. So I am working on that!

I am grateful for...
1.) The two new necklaces I bought tonight! Can't wait to wear them!
2.) Learning it's okay to be alone.
3.) Trusting in God's plan for me.